When we think of healing, we tend to associate it with hibernation, isolation, moving through our emotions, energy work, etc. This may be true and we might isolate ourselves for a period of time to do our inner work and just be. The true test of whether we have healed though, comes through our interactions with others and experiences we have outside our house.
Sometimes even I forget this crucial part.
There have been times I’ve thought - oh I let that go, only to go out into the world and realize there is still work to do.
My European Adventures
Everyone thought I lived this “glamorous” life near Amsterdam when I was not living at home in Chicago between 2016 and 2020. This is what my social media usually portrayed as my life. Travel. Ease. Fun. Love. Joy. Castles. European countries. Cathedrals. Magic. Battlefields. European friends. Writing. WWII.
My Facebook friends followed my adventures and in those rare moments I talked about the difficulties of being in a relationship, then marriage with a Dutch man, Johan, who was sick from the moment we got together, were supportive. What I didn’t share except with my closest girlfriends, was just how difficult, emotionally draining, and challenging it was to live two different lives at the same time with a very sick (narcissistic) man. And as it turned out, a man who never stopped loving someone he was in a relationship with before me. He did love me but not as I deserved and being who I was then, I overgave in every area and let myself be walked on at times.
I did get to travel around Europe, although not as much as I would have liked. I had adventures, although most of them were solo. The experiences with Johan’s health taught me a lot about the Dutch medical system (I hated it) and what it was like to be a resident rather than a tourist in a foreign country. There were many things I had to learn, adjust to, and conform to over those years.
I have no regrets though about any of my choices. Johan was my biggest soul teacher in this life so far. He triggered very deep energies in me which were mine and my ancestors. I knew we had a soul contract and had to move through what we did. It was all for a greater reason.
When 13 March 2020 arrived, I left my home in Europe to come back to my boys in Chicago for what we thought was going to be ‘two weeks of isolation.’ Turns out it wasn’t.
Releasing What Was & Healing
Once I had space from the struggles of being a caregiver and constantly being on high-alert (even though I still was here wondering if he was dead or alive), I began to look at myself. What does this mean exactly?
I took a look at the energies I was bringing to my relationships, work, parenting, life. I began to question everything about myself, my family, the world. It took me down some deep, dark rabbit holes for not only my self-healing but examining the games being played in the world. The more I released layers, questioned things, the farther apart Johan and I grew. It wasn’t long before I realized the end of us was coming. Neither of us really knew what that would look like.
In the spring of 2020 since it was clear I wasn’t going back to Europe any time soon, I fulfilled a bucket list item of registering for a year-long intuitive healer training program. This really helped me deepen my relationship with my ancestors, guides, angels, and myself. It invited me to look even deeper than I was about WHO I was being in this world. To look at the toxic cycles, patterns, beliefs, and behaviors and let them go.
Throughout 2020, 2021 and 2022, I explored my own co-dependency, self-worth, negative energies of lack, anger, guilt, shame. I explored my relationship with Johan and why I kept choosing men who were not going to really love me and treat me as I deserved. I looked at my family and ancestors to identify where some of these things came from because the patterns were clear to me.
Then in 2021 Johan and I decided since I was still not returning to Europe due to global games being played over health, that it was time to get a divorce. I always thought I’d be there when he died, because he had been on a slow journey to death since we met and he was diagnosed but that’s not how it ended. Our divorce was final in early 2022 and he died two months later.
Traveling to Heal
Fast forward to April 2024. I boarded a plane for my first flight since 2020, to go to Florida to meet my boyfriend’s brother and family. I was nervous for many reasons but everything went smoothly.
As the plane approached southern Florida I noticed that from the air, it looks similar in some ways to the Netherlands. Canals. Reclaimed or built up land. Water all around. I kept hearing from my guides that THIS trip had to come before I could go back to Europe. I needed to see that certain things were healed and I had let go. I needed to make peace with a few other things and, while we were there, receive some messages.
Throughout the trip and on the plane ride home I let a lot go. I learned more lessons. I remembered that you have to go out and have experiences and meet new people to fully release aspects of your old self or the past. This travel experience needed to happen so I could move forward in a way I didn’t even realize.
In the last week plus since I returned home from this trip, I’ve had a lot of moments where I’ve felt I jumped timelines. As if the past experiences were from another lifetime on another planet. Yes, these jumps were that big and significant. Now there is an energy of something big coming for me. Abundance, more possibility with the work I do, more opportunities to help others and I believe, do more traveling. I’m excited to see what shows up.
Are you doing your inner work and isolating? If so, be gentle with yourself and remember to get back out into the world now and then. Meet new people, have new experiences, travel, and live your best life. Those healing cycles close when we are out in the world.