My Parents Believed What?!
Being the family cycle breaker has impacts far beyond what we initially sense.
I’ve always been different and strange. Even as I entered this body and this world in 1973 I was different. Life began with difficulty for both my mother and me. It created a wedge between us that neither of us could have anticipated, and I only realized the impact of, around the age of 50. My father even confirmed my “strangeness” to my late Dutch husband when he met him in January 2017, saying, ‘Jennifer has always been a strange child.’ My husband at that time responded, ‘That’s one thing I love about her.’
To say that my mother and I banged heads most of my life is an understatement. My dad and I too, but to a much lesser extent. Our family, like every other family on the planet has their issues, traumas, baggage, and beliefs about how each of us should behave and what we should believe. This doesn’t mean we have to obey and conform. Gosh, just typing those words sends a shiver through my body.
Ask yourself…..When in history has obeying and conforming been helpful? When has it been harmful?
You see, I didn’t come here in this lifetime to be “normal” and fit in. I came to be different. To expose the darkness, negativity, toxicity, and patterns we all carry so that we may free ourselves of what has kept us enslaved to the old ways and what keeps us stuck in repeating patterns.
I identify as a genealogist, military researcher, lightworker, ascending being, astral traveler, time traveler, medium, messenger, wayshower, transmuter, cycle breaker, black sheep, odd duck, ……there are so many possible titles I could use. The bottom line is I’m here to shatter old beliefs, behaviors, patterns, heal family and personal traumas, and help people rise to their next level of consciousness. If anything I say or write triggers you, great! I’ve done my job to help you see what you couldn’t see, or chose not to deal with, before. Now it’s up to you on whether or not to act on this new information being presented.
All of life is a choice. And remember, you are ALWAYS allowed to change your mind about what you believe, what you teach the next generation, and how you behave.
Family Beliefs, Behaviors, and Patterns
We all get stuck in the repetition each generation of what our ancestors, then parents, and probably now we, believe, how we behave and what patterns we consciously or unconsciously continue. We learn these things from birth as we observe our caregivers, siblings, extended family, and community live their lives. We mimick their behaviors so we ‘fit in’. Until we don’t.
Take any topic - politics, religion, education, medicine, career, relationships, etc., and you will find many generational patterns which you may or may not believe to be true for you.
Familial Political Beliefs
Let’s look at politics since that’s a hot topic. In my family, on both sides, as it has been explained to me, everyone more or less has been a Democrat because ….. BECAUSE……. when the family emigrated and moved to Chicago, everyone was a Democrat. Chicagoans are Democrats. That is the reason. It has always been this way.
For some people that is a good enough reason to continue believing this pattern and way of being. For others, it is not. Those of us who came to break the cycles question the reasoning. We ask why this belief exists. Often we are met with rage, anger, hateful words because we dare to ask questions to understand our family, even as we try to figure out where we stand. Sometimes we are shamed because we don’t just follow the family belief.
Do you think that’s ok? Have you changed your mind and gone against the familial political beliefs? Why?
Familial Education and Career Beliefs
Now let’s look at education and career. In some families after emigration, it may have taken two or three generations, depending on the time period, before anyone finished high school. It may have taken that long before anyone went to college. We have seen through our family history that many families educated their children in the same jobs. This is especially true before higher education was accessible. If your grandfather was a tailor, you may have trained as a tailor. You probably also trained at least one or more of your children to do this job or aspects of it (especially if you were a woman). Does that mean we should always be tailors with little education? I’ve seen this in my family.
Look at college. Over our lifetimes, college and the pushing people into college has been a huge shift. Society, government, education systems all tell us (force us?) we have to go to college to be successful in life. Rack up a bunch of debt, learn stuff we’ll never use, and in the end probably get a job in a different field. College is not for everyone. I know - it took me eight years and multiple colleges and majors before I finally “settled” on getting a History degree. Why did I choose that? I thought my life was going to be in a small college town where I worked at the university the rest of my life and History seemed to be the easiest degree to get. Little did I know that choice would set me up to create my own business years later. Everything happens for a reason.
My parents though pushed me to go to college - there was no other choice. Maybe because they hadn’t gone and had regrets. I don’t know but when I had my boys, I told them they have many choices. In the end, my now 23 year old chose to get his Associates and stop until he figured out what he really wanted to do. He works full time in a good job that is what he chose for now. Also, the events of 2020 his freshman year in college also messed things up while showing him how he best learns. My twins chose to go to university and are now in their second year.
It makes me wonder what happened with the familial relationships when someone in the next generation said they wanted more? They wanted to be trained in a different job? Or they chose to join the military? Or someone chose not to go to college.
Familial Relationship Beliefs
What about relationships and marriage? According to my research, it appears almost all my direct ancestors married once, except my Grandma Rose Kokoska. She married three times. Guess who followed her pattern? Yep, me.
In my family we were taught to get married and stay married no matter what. At least that’s been my observation. I could be wrong. No one can tell me why grandma married twice, divorced twice, and then married the man who would become my grandpa. I just know that she did. I suspect based on generational patterns, abuse may have been involved, but I cannot prove this intuitive sense. Sometimes we have to trust our intuition when the genealogical paper trail runs dry.
My boys know I was married three times. First at the age of 20, which yes was too young, but I only later realized why I chose to marry then. My parents didn’t want me to marry and even on my wedding day I felt like I shouldn’t have gone through with it, but I did. Four and a half years later, he and I had grown up and so far apart that there was no reason to continue. I had also realized I married him in part to get away from my parents grasp and control. You know what, you can move away, get married, get divorced, whatever you choose, but those familial issues, patterns, beliefs, traumas, will still FOLLOW YOU EVERYWHERE until you heal them. That marriage did launch me into a new space in life which required a lot of faith and finally a move back to Chicago, from Missouri.
Marriages number two and three brought huge challenges, red flags, abusive, controlling, and narcissistic behaviors to the forefront. They both also launched me into a brand new space in life that I never expected. The third marriage was to a Dutch man, Johan, which led me to living on two continents, two different lives as the same time. It was also a soul journey I had to take even though almost everyone in my life cautioned me about taking it. Johan was my greatest soul teacher in life and even after his death.
Exploring my family history and the experience of my three marriages led me to change my belief that marriage should be forever. It doesn’t have to be and you don’t have to get married to have a good, deep, caring, loving relationship with someone. There are so many other ways to have an incredible relationship. Even if it means ‘living in sin’, according to some. Marriage no longer works for me so in this lifetime I will not marry again as there is absolutely no reason to do so.
You ARE Allowed to Change and Raise Your Consciousness
One thing most parents and families rail against is when the cycle breaker changes their mind about a belief, behavior or pattern. They consciously choose something different. How DARE we be different, think differently, act differently…..it’s often considered shameful to our parents who may wonder how they failed us or ask what’s wrong with us. What if nothing is wrong? What if this is our path?
I can say from personal experience this can cause huge issues within the family. I have been silenced, disowned (and brought back into the fold, then repeat). I have no relationship with my siblings for almost 10 years for many reasons. My parents and I are on and off - although most communication goes through my mother when we do talk.
Since 2012 I have committed to doing my inner work. To discovering, processing, sharing the family secrets, dysfunction, patterns, traumas, and attempting to understand why we are who we are. Where did it all come from? How can I end these cycles?
The more I work on myself and get honest about the energies and patterns I carry and have contributed to the relationships that are messy, the more I see it ripple out into my family members, whether they realize it or not. I see it ripple out into my relationships and community. The work we do on ourselves DOES impact everyone around us because it’s all energy. When you pay attention to how people around you shift because you shifted, it will shock and amaze you. It may be subtle but it’s there. I invite you to look at your relationships and see what you notice.
Finally, Do Not Judge
No matter what our parents, grandparents, extended family believe, which may differ from our beliefs, let’s try not to judge them or ourselves. Instead, let’s allow each of us to be who and what and where we are in this moment.
As we all know, we are allowed to change our minds, end old cycles, and choose something new. We may choose to change our minds on a topic, multiple times in our lifetime. There is nothing wrong with this. We came here in this lifetime to learn, grow, release the old, end cycles, and create something new. To raise our vibrations and help others do so as they see how we have changed and created our lives.
Judgment is ingrained in us from birth regardless of your family origin. It is something we have to learn to release. Being human, it’s difficult to release all judgment but it does get easier to stop doing it most of our day.
When we can let other be who and what they are on their journey, everything changes. If you are reading this article, chance are you came here to be a cycle breaker. Thank you for the work you are doing to shift consciousness on this planet. To heal the past and create a better world for our children and those still to come.
Learn more about family patterns
Would you like to take a dive into family patterns, purchase access to my program, Why Was Grandma So Mean and learn some new ways to look at your genealogical records and family stories. It just might change your life.
Fascinating stuff. The world must be nudging me toward pattern recognition right now, I think your’s is the fourth article or piece I’ve come across in a week.