What If There Are No Answers?
When the military records have no information
Hear me when I cannot scream out that I hurt. Hear me when no one else will listen. Tell my story even when it hurts.
Some stories take decades to tell. Not because we don’t have the genealogical or military records to shape the story, but because we are not emotionally or energetically ready to speak it into life. We fear the impact of breaking the family silence. Of speaking truth to secrets and lies. We are afraid of being shamed and hated because the truth we speak offends or triggers others who are not willing to look at the shadows within their own self and family. Humanity is at a crossroads where we must break our silence and speak our truth, filled with love and healing energy. Are we courageous enough to start?
Frustration
If you don’t already know this about me, I like to know things. When I find a topic I’m interested in, sometimes I want to know everything. This is particularly true when it comes to my family history research and my personal and ancestral healing journey. It frustrates me greatly when I can’t find the answers I believe should exist somewhere - and not just with the dead.
The past few years I’ve been frustrated over the lack of information around my grandpa Joseph Holik’s WWII Naval Armed Guard story. Although, I am very aware that military records content ranges from the basics of what has to be documented to what read like novels. Within me was a sliver of hope that I would find a novel-like record about my grandpa’s ships that would tell me what happened to him.
Sadly, nothing like this exists.
The Family Story
The story I was told as a baby genealogist in 1996 was that grandpa went crazy after the war. I heard a couple stories about experiences he had on his ships and nothing else was said. I wasn’t allowed to ask questions. After receiving grandpa’s death certificate I learned he was employed at the Downey Veterans Hospital at the time of his death. I didn’t think much of this at the time…at least not until I received his military records.
By 2013-2014 or so I obtained grandpa’s Navy OMPF which included a few medical documents which diagnosed him with schizophrenia. I also had in my possession the Naval deck logs from the three vessels on which he sailed as Armed Guard from 1943-1945. Not one of them had engaged with the enemy. Not one of them had anything happen like the stories I’d been told. By this time, the only person left to ask questions of was my dad and he had little to say. Daddy was the bonus boy, born after grandpa was discharged. He grew up technically without a father and only knowing his dad as someone who spoke to little green men and lived at the hospital. Remember that death certificate that said he was employed at the hospital? Perhaps he was, but he actually lived there the last 17 years of his life. It seems all visits took place at the hospital and outside the buildings, based on photos I have.
Schizophrenia or Spiritually Connected?
I’ve always felt that my grandpa was spiritually connected like I am. I can see it in several of his photos when he was younger. I believe he probably knew things, heard, smelled, tasted, and felt things others could not. I sense he had to keep himself hidden to not be labeled or put away. My family would probably disagree but I see and feel it.
Grandpa and I have had many channeled conversations over the years. The more I do my inner work, the more he shifts on the other side from this frenetic energy to something more calm and stable. I have felt his pain, his grief, his trauma. I have even lived some of it. Grandpa has asked for someone to know him without the schizophrenia label. I have done my best.
When There Are No Answers
I have desperately wanted to know what happened to grandpa on those ships during the war to trigger the schizophrenia. 37, 38, 39 years old is “old” to have that appear, or so I’ve been told.
His Naval Deck Logs, Armed Guard Reports and other records do not provide that information. It’s incredibly frustrating. All I wanted was a snippet of information that he was disruptive on the ship or something else that had happened. Anything that would help me understand what led to his breakdown, removal from the ship and into the Naval hospital.
For now all I can do is tell his story with the information I have. Talk about how I was living out his war trauma and my grandma’s. Talk about how I healed and moved forward. Continue to connect with him to his voice is heard even if he’s in pain and no one else can hear him.
Isn’t that really what our ancestors want most - for someone to HEAR them? To reach out, tell their stories, share their knowledge, and heal the lineage? Grandpa, I will tell your story and our story in the hope it will help someone else heal.
Are You Ready to Start a Project? I can help!
Are you ready to learn the bigger picture of your family member’s military service? I am taking new clients and can help you find the answers and tell a deeper story about your family member. Email me at jennifer@ancestralsouls.com to set up your free phone consultation today to discuss project options, fees, and time.
What a beautiful remembrance. I have ancestors who had similar troubles and I wish we could go back in time to diagnose them and get them the help they needed.